Raw 1000 Time Capsule Review

You only get to the 1,000th episode once right? Well, technically we only get to episode 238 once too, but still. WWE has been pulling out all the stops for this show, including bringing back greats like Shawn Michaels, The Rock, The Undertaker, and Steve Blackman.

We’ll do it time capsule style.

8:00: The show starts with a music video of Raw moments including some great ones (Mike Tyson and Stone Cold) and some not-so-great ones (Goldust stuttering while Triple H laughs his ass off). What these guys deem as entertaining is mind-boggling.

(If I see Shane McMahon’s balls electrocuted, well, okay, I’ll laugh.)

8:01: I just saw 1 1/2 seconds of the Miz girl!

8:02: Bret screwed Bret and Shawn Michaels losing his smile in back to back edits?

8:11: After three minutes of underwear jokes from HBK and HHH as DX, they introduce other members of the team, except the one with the largest member, Chyna. (See, I go DX when I need to.) Billy Gunn is still pretty jacked. The Road Dogg presented the New Age Outlawz as the 5-time tag team champions of the world. Triple H asked us if we are ready. And then he said the line that hasn’t ever made sense, “Let’s get ready to suck it.” Damien Sandow interrupted because you know, he and DX had quite the run in 1998. He was put out to pasture and Billy Gunn said that if we’re not down with that, he’s got two words for us. Poor X-Pac didn’t get to do anything except crotch chop Triple H when H said he was the only one with a full head of hair left. No bronco buster or anything. That’s what he gets for humping Chyna on camera.

8:34: It looks like rather than announce the main event, Jim Ross announces what might be the best match on the show. Sin Cara, Rey Mysterio, and Sheamus vs. Chris Jericho, Alberto Del Rio, and Dolph Ziggler. Didn’t Ziggler and Jericho have heat last week?

8:36: Jericho gave us his first, “Come on, baby!” cover in what seems like 10 years. A t-shirted Mysterio didn’t get to do much as it was all Sheamus. Ziggler sucker-punched Jericho and Hunter Hearst Sheamus hit Jericho with the Brogue Kick for the win.

8:43: Charlie Sheen via Skype was worse than the UFC’s satellite interviews.

8:46: Mae Young’s son, the hand, wished AJ best of luck in her marriage to Daniel Bryan. Not sure where his dad Mark Henry was.

8:52: Really, Brodus Clay’s act is really all about seeing Naomi’s junk in the trunk. Clay introduced his tag team partner, Dude Love who is in his corner against Jack Swagger. The Dudettes didn’t come out with the Dude. Swagger jobbed in about 15 seconds.

8:55: My heart just skipped a beat. I see Trish Stratus. She and Triple rekindled this skit from over 10 years ago:

And then X-Pac got creepyish and stalkerish with Trish. Well, he did have sex with Chyna on camera. Might be paying for that one all show long.
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Wrestlemania XI – Whaddya Say?

For only the second time in Wrestlemania history, the WWF/WWE champion was not in the main event in Wrestlemania XI. You had a former champion in Bret “The Hitman” Hart and Shawn Michaels, the future champion, and neither guy was in the main event. Well just who was in the main event for this Wrestlemania? The first guy was Bam Bam Bigelow. And the second? Old LT himself, Lawrence Taylor. This program was initially supposed to help Bigelow’s career. Even by losing to an NFL superstar, Bigelow was supposed to actually gain from the rub and become a regular main eventer.

It was one of the least inspired Wrestlemania cards at least as far as ring work was concerned. Usually there is one “showstopper” match that carries the rest of the card. Sometimes, there’s more than one. But this year, there wasn’t one quality wrestling match. The one expected to at least be half decent was the Bret Hart vs. Bob Backlund “I Quit/Submission” grudge match. Roddy Piper was announced as the surprise guest referee. Here’s where this match went wrong. Originally announced as a submission match where the only way you can win is to submit your opponent, Piper, on the fly, turned the match into an “I Quit” match. Hart wouldn’t even have Backlund in a submission hold and Piper would yell, “Whaddya say?” and you’d hear a pissed off Backlund yell, “no!” as if to say, “If you understood the rules, you wouldn’t be asking me this question.” It was a garbled mess and one of the few matches in his career where it seemed Bret Hart didn’t really have control. There’s another more famous match where he didn’t have control, but we won’t go there. The match ended with Hart finally submitting Backlund in his own chicken wing submission finisher, but to the audience, you couldn’t really tell if Backlund submitted or not. It was just an awful match.
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