I say this every year and I’ll say it again; the Royal Rumble is my favorite show of the year. There’s something about the intrigue of the Royal Rumble as it pertains to the booking on the Road to WrestleMania.
Underneath the big rumble, The Undertaker and Rey Mysterio should be fun, and Randy Orton vs. Sheamus will be interesting to say the least. Let’s hope young Randall Orton keeps his cool if Sheamus isn’t exactly in the right spot.
1. Christian vs. Ezekiel Jackson
Early on, it was a cat and mouse game with Christian running around like a chicken with his head cut off. They had some fun big man/little man stuff that was fun. When Big Zeke was on the offense, he hit all his big power moves and Christian sold very well. But the match slowed down a little.
They showed some creativity during the finish as Christian was looking to hit the Killswitch/Unprettier and Zeke was looking to hit power moves. Christian finally hit his finisher for the win. It was much better than it had any right being and that’s thanks to Christian, but Zeke was fine too.
To show you how out of touch the WWE can be at times, Cryme Tyme was trying to get into the Royal Rumble and tried to finagle The Great Khali out of his spot so they could both get in. The Great Khali said no, and Ranjin said that they learned their hip talk from watching Family Matters reruns. On queue, Khali said, “Did I do that?” And then Teddy decided to start singing Pants On The Ground at Cryme Tyme. The Miz came out and Teddy told him that he has to face MVP next. Then Khali started to sing, “Who let the dogs out?”
Cody came out and told Randy that he was on board, but Ted wasn’t and Ted wanted to win the Rumble and face Orton for the World Title (of course assuming that he could beat Sheamus tonight).
2. The Miz vs. MVP
Poor MVP. He took the entire match and walked right into a small package to lose. He then hit the Playmaker on Miz after the match and got booed. It seems like the start of a turn from MVP, but they didn’t go all the way with it. He needs something.
Winner: The Miz
The problem with the match wasn’t really anything stylistically. It was that it seemed like a throwaway since it wasn’t even announced until right before it went on.
Chris Jericho and The Big Show met up and Jericho thought they still had chemistry while The Big Show mentioned the Miz as being a better partner. Jericho thought Miz was full of himself. Then R-Truth came out and said it was every man for himself and that he was going to throw out Jericho.
Orton and Ted talked and Ted said the same thing about Cody that Cody said about him. He said that Cody even counted him out and thought Sheamus was going to win.
3. Sheamus vs. Randy Orton
This match started slow and then picked up and then had a lame finish.
Orton was working on Sheamus’ knee early on. Sheamus started to get some offense and they had some fun, albeit slow transitions. It looked like it was going to be set up for a big finish with great near falls, and then Cody happened. Rhodes came in and hit Sheamus, who was outside, right in front of the referee. Orton hit the RKO and went for the pin and then the ref signaled for the DQ.
After the match, Cody got in the ring and was punched by Orton. DiBiase came in to stop him and he got punched. Then Sheamus hit the big boot of death on Orton and left him laying. Rhodes and DiBiase left the ring slowly with Orton out.
4. Michelle McCool vs. Mickie James
They just re-capped the entire Piggie James angle and it’s just as bad watching it in retrospect as it was when it started. Purely the worst angle in the last couple years. Mean spirited stuff works as long as the viewers believe that it’s an act. This stuff has too many cruel shoot aspects to even be the least bit of fun.
After Michelle spends five minutes just making fun of people who aren’t 95 pounds like she is, the Rosie O’Donnell music from a couple of years ago played and Layla came out as Piggie James like she did on Smackdown. And then Mickie came out and beat up Layla.
It took Mickie all of 30 seconds to pin Michelle and win the title.
Winner: Mickie James
She kicked Layla in the fat costume and she fell onto Michelle. The rest of the good girl divas came out and dumped cake on Michelle and Layla. Eve was wearing some Beyonce like tights and was looking very fetching.
5. Rey Mysterio vs. The Undertaker
The Undertaker started his entrance, I went outside for a couple of minutes, came back in, and he was barely in the ring.
With the fact that both guys are the walking wounded, they had a fun match, but at no time did you ever think that Rey had a chance to win, which hurt the match. When Taker was on offense, it was a slow match big man style. When Rey was on offense, he was flying all over the place with Taker in the middle.
Rey hit two 619s in a row and then went for the West Coast Pop, but Taker caught him and hit him with the Last Ride.
Winner: The Undertaker
Looks like it’s Rumble time.
Shawn was watching Taker and Kane came in and told Shawn to not be so obsessed with facing his brother. HHH came in and they apologized to each other for being selfish, though both didn’t step down from thinking they were going to win. Shawn said that he versus the Undertaker was meant to be and HHH said that he knows Shawn will find another way.
My buddy Young Randall is in North Carolina right now and is walking around with the boo boo face because every time he’s seen the Tarheels’ hoops team play live, they’ve lost. That happened again today. He said that the only way his frown would turn upside down is if good old HBK would win the Rumble tonight.
6. The Royal Rumble
I imagine they’re only doing around 90 seconds in between entrants.
The first entrant is Dolph Ziggler. Second is Evan Bourne. Bourne hit the Air Bourne on Ziggler. Hairy-chested CM Punk is in third. Punk immediately eliminated both so that he could cut a promo. JTG is in next. And he’s out. He went to the middle rope and Punk eliminated him. Punk is back to cutting his promo. Khali is in next. Punk wants him to accept straight edge. Khali declined. Channeling her inner Chyna, Beth Phoenix is in next. He tried to drop her out kindly but she put the moves on him and kissed him out of the ring. She went after Punk, but then took a GTS to the face. He then tossed her out right before Zack Ryder came in and Punk tried to make him straight edge too, but not really. He hit him with the mic. And then he tossed him out again so he could cut more of his promo. HHH is next. Doesn’t look good for straight edge. The 10 years ago version of Triple H (with the slow as molasses ring walk) is in next in Drew McIntyre. HHH stopped the GTS and threw out Punk. Ted DiBiase Jr. is in next. Two young bucks versus the oldest buck of them all.
John Morrison is number eleven. Morrison hit the Starship Pain on McIntyre, though really, he missed him completely. Kane’s in next. If you could play Fantasy Royal Rumble, you’d want Kane as he always eliminates a ton of guys. HHH took a Kane chokeslam. Cody Rhodes is in and immediately saves Ted. MVP was in next but the Miz clocked him from behind with the US title. MVP is the fail of the earth. The great Carlito is in next and he’s throwing lefts all over. He hit three back crackers in a row. Miz is in next and he attacked Carlito. MVP finally came back and he eliminated both he and Miz in about 20 seconds. Matt Hardy is in and he hits all his big moves immediately. Kane knocked him out immediately. That’s what you get for running from the scene. Then HHH eliminated Kane. It’s HBK time and out goes Carlito. And out goes Cody and Ted by the hands of Shawn. And then Morrison too. DX together eliminated McIntyre. And right before DX gets to go nose to nose, John Cena comes in. He hit the double “U Can’t See Me”. And then HHH pedigreed him. Triple H is out by the superkick. Wow.
Shelton is in and Cena dumped him out. It’s HBK and Cena together. Yoshi Tatsu came in and then out by Cena’s clothesline. The Big Show is in next and he’s running. Shawn Michaels’ “skin the cat” total is one so far. Mark Henry is in next. Somebody’s going to get their wig split. Henry slammed Show. Masters is in. I wonder if he can knock someone out by shaking his pecs. Nope. He’s out by Show. R-Truth is in and he immediately dumps The Big Show and Mark Henry. He scissor kicks Cena, but they don’t battle rap. Jack Swagger is in next. They haven’t treated him like Santino yet. Kofi is in next. Kofi dropped Swagger out. Kofi leg scissored Truth out. Now Jericho’s out. HBK went for the sweet chin music on Jericho but Kofi saved him. Then Cena dumped him out. Edge is 29. He immediately spears everyone. And now Jericho is out. Batista is in and he did a wacky run to jump in the ring. Edge speared him. Cena FU’d Edge. Cena and Batista both ate sweet chins. So did Edge, who was on the apron and got sweet chin’d back into the ring. Batista threw out Michaels. Young Randall is sad. Three guys are left. Shawn killed both refs who wanted him to leave. He was beside himself. Cena pulled the rope down and Big Dave went out. Edge is ready to capitalize. Edge throws out Cena and wins.
1. Dolph Ziggler
2. Evan Bourne
3. CM Punk
5. The Great Khali
6. Beth Phoenix
7. Zack Ryder
8. Triple H
9. Drew McIntyre
10. Ted DiBiase Jr.
11. John Morrison
13. Cody Rhodes
16. The Miz
17. Matt Hardy
19. John Cena
20. Shelton Benjamin
21. Yoshi Tatsu
22. The Big Show
23. Mark Henry
24. Chris Masters
26. Jack Swagger
27. Kofi Kingston
28. Chris Jericho
Order of elimination
1. Evan Bourne
2. Dolph Ziggler
4. The Great Khali
5. Beth Phoenix
6. Zack Ryder
7. CM Punk
8. The Miz
10. Matt Hardy
13. Cody Rhodes
14. Ted DiBiase Jr.
15. John Morrison
16. Drew McIntyre
18. Shelton Benjamin
19. Yoshi Tatsu
20. Chris Masters
21. Mark Henry
22. The Big Show
23. Jack Swagger
25. Kofi Kingston
26. Chris Jericho
27. Shawn Michaels
29. John Cena