I’m going to do this WrestleMania live write-up a little differently. I’m going to do it diary-style, rather than as a true match-by-match post. It’s only the biggest show probably in years, so why not?
4:00: It’s not once in a lifetime if they do it again next year is it?
4:01: Lilian is looking mighty fine singing “America The Beautiful”. I think she still wants the People’s Strudle.
4:07: After a long opening package showing John Cena and Rock as children, it’s World Heavyweight Championship time.
Sheamus vs. Daniel Bryan
4:09: AJ gives a little kiss to the champ.
4:10: It must’ve been the kiss of death. After the kiss, Sheamus kicked Bryan to win the match. After building this match for weeks and weeks and Bryan doing tremendous work, they jobbed him. Not what I want to see when I pay $65 for a show.
4:14: Yes! Nooooooooooo!
4:16: At least it’s time for Kane. Wait, that nearly makes it worse.
Kane vs. Randy Orton
4:20: It took longer for Randy Orton to put baby oil on his nipples than it did for Bryan to lose to Sheamus.
4:26: After losing to John Cena and Big Show recently, Kane is all of a sudden hard to knock off his feet again.
4:28: Kane nearly had his WrestleMania moment, but Orton kicked out of his chokeslam. He was brokenhearted.
4:30: Well, Kane just got his WrestleMania moment pinning Randy Orton with a chokeslam from the top rope. Wow.
4:33: Let’s count the old-timers who we only get to see once a year. So far, Ron Simmons and Mick Foley in a “Damn!” skit.
4:34: It’s Dashing Cody Rhodes time!
Cody Rhodes vs. The Big Show
4:36: I think Cody is smuggling bananas in his trunks. Even Shawn Michaels is appalled.
4:43: After Rhodes hit the Beautiful Disaster kick, he went for it again and Big Show speared him right in the balls to set up the punch of death for the win.
Winner: The Big Show
4:44: To sell how important it was for him to win, we see tears of Big Show.
4:47: Now that I think of it, those were tears of joy for not being Daniel Bryan’d.
4:50: Maria Menunos is wearing very nice pants. That’s all I can say.
Beth Phoenix and Eve vs. Kelly Kelly and Maria Menunos
4:52: Maria and Kelly Kelly gave Eve the double stinky face. Maria forgot she was wearing white pants. Eve’s makeup and spray tan are now on her ass.
4:58: Beth Phoenix was pinned in a badly choreographed match by a badly choreographed Maria Menunos. But at least her day was still better than Daniel Bryan’s.
Winner: Maria Menunos and Kelly Kelly
5:02: Hell In A Cell already? At least Good Ol’ JR is there to help call it.
Triple H vs. The Undertaker
5:08: The time between the Undertaker’s first two full strides to the ring took longer than the Daniel Bryan/Sheamus match.
5:16: Taker’s head looks like Chuck Liddell after not shaving for a few days.
5:23: Finally, an interesting spot in this match — Triple H hit the spine buster on the steps, went to grab Taker and was put in Hell’s Gate, but Rampage bombed his way out of it.
5:24: Is Brock Lesnar tired and yawning yet?
5:28: After 100 chair shots, Triple H couldn’t finish Taker. Might as well quit now.
5:30: Shot from the sledge hammer. Nope, Taker kicks out. HBK took the hammer away before Triple H could bash his head with it.
5:32: Taking a page out of MMA, a “concussed” Taker put Shawn Michaels in Hell’s Gate obliviously.
5:34: HBK turned on Taker and they still couldn’t get the job done. Taker is numb to the pain!
5:44: They did it again. It was chair shots and psychology and carnage. These guys are going to be hurting tomorrow. It was pretty damn good.
Winner: The Undertaker
6:06: Sorry for the delay, I think Shawn Michaels, HHH, and the Undertaker are still hugging.
Team Johnny vs. Team Teddy
6:12: Anderson Silva knees from the clinch, those are not Miz.
6:17: Fun match for what it was. Zack Ryder took the fall so he’s the true jobber of jobbers.
Winner: Team Johnny
6:26: Chris Jericho wins jacket of the decade.
Chris Jericho vs. CM Punk
6:33: CM Punk wins for fireworks entrance of the decade.
6:36: Jericho asked Punk how his father was. He didn’t answer, “Fine, and yours?”
6:48: The match is a little on the slow side, but is much more of a traditional wrestling match than what they had to follow in Taker/HHH. Before the match, Johnny Ace said that if Punk was DQd, he’d lose the title, so Jericho keeps trying to make him DQ himself.
6:56: It was the Anaconda Vice vs. The Walls of Jericho, and on this day, the Anaconda Vice and won out. It was a good match and built up well to the finishing sequence.
Winner: CM Punk
7:00: It’s Funkasaurus Time! Funk is on a roll.
7:02: Well, I’m not sure this is the best usage of Brodius Clay. He called his momma.
7:05: It’s main event time. After that Undertaker match, it better take a FU off the top of the big screen in order to pin Rock.
John Cena vs. The Rock
7:12: After Machine Gun Kelly’s performance turned him even more heel, John Cena got booed like nobody’s business.
7:20: Flo Rida is the most jacked guy in this match.
7:25: Cena won the first lock up. I’m betting Rock wins the second. Yep.
7:27: Rock strikes first with some great Ricky Steamboat arm drags.
7:34: Cena is bear hugging the Rock to death.
7:38: Cena’s beating Rock to every punch. Hits the FU and Rock kicks out. Undertaker is mocking both of them for their weak maneuvers.
7:52: It has to be time to go home here. Either Rock is tired, or he’s a damn good actor.
7:54: Cena catches Rock on his cross body attempt, rolls through, picks him up and jerks him into the FU. I love that move. Rock still kicks out.
7:55: Cena gets cocky, goes for the Anti-People’s Elbow, Rock hits the Rock Bottom, and it’s game over for Cena. Rock wins.
Winner: The Rock