It’s WrestleMania 27 and The Rock is back. And if John Cena has an ounce of testosterone in his body, he’ll want to whip some candy ass with the Rock. Wait, let’s hope that’s not how it ends.
There are a handful of kids and friends over tonight and we’ll be making picks before the matches start.
After Keri Hilson got the words to America The Beautiful correct and didn’t pull a Christina Aguilera, The Rock came down to ringside.
Holy cow that was a long promo. The Rock did a call and response with “Wrestle” and “Mania” and “Yabba” and “Dabba”. And then he made the crowd mimic the “If you smell what the Rock is cookin'” line, which meant, a bunch of dudes mimicked licking balls on video.
They’re opening strong with Alberto Del Rio vs. Edge.
Brian: Del Rio
Dan: Del Rio
GG: Del Rio
1. Alberto Del Rio vs. Edge
Fun match. Both guys took crazy bumps early on to the outside. Del Rio had to arm bar on twice. Edge had his hands together the second time and actually turned it into a pinfall attempt. Edge put on the Edge-A-Matic, which Del Rio finagled out of, but turned right into a spear. Edge got the pin.
Seems like this is one of those matches that had a very easy and predictable finish, but for whatever reason, they changed it, and probably until next month. It was a fun match, but maybe slightly disappointing.
Edge and Christian destroyed Del Rio’s Rolls Royce for whatever reason. Maybe it turns into an angle for next month.
Rey and Cody are next.
2. Cody Rhodes vs. Rey Mysterio
Mysterio is dressed as Captain America.
The match was worked around the mask and the knee brace. Cody used the mask early on, but Rey took it off and then Rey used it to head-butt Cody. Cody took off Rey’s knee brace and Rey went for his dive outside and Cody nailed him in the face with it. He hit the Cross Rhodes for the win.
Earlier in the match, Rhodes hit a delayed superplex from the second rope. That was nice.
Winner: Cody Rhodes
Snoop Dog is there to find people to take on tour. Regal rapped, Khali and Beth Phoenix sang from Grease, Masters did the pec dance with Yoshi Tatsu, Zack Ryder got hit with Roddy Piper’s coconut and then Hornswaggle came out. Teddy told Snoop that he couldn’t talk so they left. Then Hornswaggle put on sunglasses and started rapping. Maybe that’s his new gimmick. He can only talk when he has his sunglasses on.
Richard: Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi
Max: Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi
JJ: Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi
Carmichael: Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi
Brian: Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi
Dan: Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi
Randy: Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi
GG: Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi
3. The Corre vs. The Big Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi Kingston
Kingston replaces Koslov. Santino hit the Cobra on Heath Slater and then Big Show threw the big right hand and it was over.
Winner: Show, Kane, Santino, and Kofi
Rock, Eve, and Mae Young did a segment where Mae wanted the People’s Strudel and Rock just made old jokes like calling her a diva-saurus and saying that Eve was like her old friends, Adam and Eve. And then she slapped Rock on his butt.
Then Austin came out and people like me, who remember the Rock/Austin WrestleMania feud, popped and felt all warm inside.
It’s Punk vs. Orton.
Richard: Randy Orton
Max: Randy Orton
JJ: Randy Orton
Carmichael: Randy Orton
Brian: Randy Orton
Dan: CM Punk
Randy: Randy Orton
Edson: CM Punk
Don: CM Punk
GG: CM Punk
4. CM Punk vs. Randy Orton
Best match of the night so far. They were doing some pretty creative stuff, but also, just old school spots. Punk had Orton tied up in the corner upside down and went to the top rope and dropped a knee on Orton. He also did a real superplex and the Bret Hart figure four spot outside of the ring. Punk also threw on the Anaconda Vice. His facials were awesome.
Orton finally got his comeback and went for the punt, but after wrestling the entire match, his leg goes out and he goes down. Punk walked over to him and Orton tried to hit the RKO out of nowhere, but Punk pushed him off and then he smiled. Punk went to the top rope and then Orton hit the RKO for the win.
Winner: Randy Orton
Rock talked with Mean Gene about John Cena’s number one fan, who turned out to be Pee Wee Herman. Pee Wee Herman is now on Team Bring It, making Team Bring It pretty much useless now.
Cole and Lawler are up next.
Richard: Jerry Lawler
Max: Jerry Lawler
JJ: Jerry Lawler
Carmichael: Jerry Lawler
Brian: Jerry Lawler
Dan: Jerry Lawler
Randy: Jerry Lawler
Edson: Jerry Lawler
Don: Jerry Lawler
GG: Jerry Lawler
5. Michael Cole vs. Jerry Lawler
JR and Booker T are the new announcers. Cole came out in amateur wrestling gear with head gear. Austin came out driving the ATV and nearly ran over Jack Swagger.
Lawler had the upper-hand early on after Cole went into the Cole Mine and offered Lawler friendship. Swagger helped Cole get the upper-hand and then Cole went on to do the worst offense in wrestling history. The idea was that he was taking Swagger’s advice, like doing Swagger’s move in the corner where he jumps on the rope and does the splash. Cole took forever to do it and only got to the bottom rope after being scared. Cole put him in the ankle lock.
Swagger tried to throw in the towel, but Austin whiped his head with it and then stunned Swagger. Lawler started to throw his big right hands. He threw a drop kick and Austin started laughing. Lawler went to the top rope, pointed to the sky for his mother, took down his straps and finally pinned Cole. No, he pulled him up. Then he put on the ankle lock. Cole tapped immediately but Austin continued to ask him if he was giving up. He finally called for the bell.
Booker came in the ring to shake Lawler’s hand and do the spin-a-roonie. And then Austin stunned him while he was drinking a beer.
The Raw GM said that Lawler was DQ’d because Austin got involved. Austin then stunned Josh, who gave the message.
Winner: Michael Cole (I guess?)
Looks like Lawler and JR will announce the rest of the show.
It’s time for HHH and Undertaker.
6. Triple H vs. The Undertaker
These dudes are pulling out all the stops:
– HHH took a back drop from the table to the floor.
– Undertaker did the over the top rope dive on HHH.
– HHH hit a spine buster on Taker through a table.
– Taker hit a chokeslam in the middle of the ring.
– He hit a snake eyes on HHH but HHH turned the big boot into a spinebuster.
– HHH hit the pedigree for a two count.
– Taker hit a Last Ride for a two count.
– Taker hit a tombstone for a two count.
– HHH turned a tombstone on the chair attempt to a DDT on the chair.
– HHH hit another pedigree for a two count.
– HHH hit yet another pedigree for a two count.
– HHH hit Taker on the back with a bunch of chair shots.
– Then he hit him right between the eyes with the chair.
– HHH hit the tombstone on Taker and got a close two count. For a second, I thought it was over.
– HHH got the sledge hammer, but Taker reversed him into Hells Gates.
– Taker tapped him out after the longest gogoplata of all time.
Winner: The Undertaker
The Undertaker is selling that he’s, well, dead. They stretchered him out. It was a great match and if not for Taker/HBK, they’d be talking about this match as one of the greatest ever. And they were able to do a different match too.
The Snooki match is next.
JJ: Morrison, Trish and Snooki
Carmichael: Morrison, Trish and Snooki
Dan: Morrison, Trish and Snooki
Randy: Morrison, Trish and Snooki
Edson: Morrison, Trish and Snooki
Don: LayCool and Dolph Ziggler
GG: Morrison, Trish and Snooki
7. Dolph Zigger and LayCool vs. John Morrison, Trish Stratus, and Snooki
Trish and Snooki did most of the work. Trish took a nasty bump to the outside with McCool. Snooki did the handspring splash into the corner and then did a backflip into a splash onto McCool for the pin.
Winner: Morrison, Trish, and Snooki
The main event is next.
8. The Miz vs. John Cena
There was an awesome video package to Nas’ Hate Me Now with the Miz looking back at his career. Cena came out with a DMX spoken word/gospel-like entrance.
The match was pretty much a Raw kind of match. Cena was hit with the briefcase by Riley, but kicked out. He hit Miz with the AA and Miz kicked out. Cena clotheslined Miz over the barricade and they were counted out. Yes, this happened.
Rock came into the ring and restarted the match. Cena was about to put Miz in the AA again, but Rock gave him the Rock Bottom. Miz pinned him.
Winner: The Miz
Rock then laid out The Miz with a side slam and People’s Elbow.